


Five times Hailey touches Jay and...

by Heellen



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28590348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heellen/pseuds/Heellen
Summary: 3 years together and how many times have they touched? How many times has Hailey thought that a hand on his shoulder could reassure him? How many times did she think she could calm him down? How many times has she needed to feel he was there, just to calm her down?
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Five times Hailey touches Jay and...

Five times Hailey touches Jay

and

one time she kisses him

**I - To comfort him**

The first time Hailey felt the need to touch Jay was at the beginning of their partnership. It was all so uncomfortable between them. She was always closed in on herself and he was so distant from all of them - lost in his shadow world.

There was something in his eyes that made Hailey want to dig into his shadows. Not that he was going to make it easy - that was clear to her from the first moment.

What she still didn't understand was that Jay hated physical contact. He just had something against brushing and touching that amazed her.

She had seen him struggle with that child's death for hours, but he hid it all behind a facade of indifference which - she would discover over the years - was his best weapon.

He had let out a shaking breath in front of Will, the first real sign of letting up since it all happened and she was an unwitting spectator.

It was at that moment she told herself that, despite his world of shadows, Jay was a pure soul. With so many ghosts, but definitely pure.

Everything was still new between them, and Erin's memory continued to hover over their partnership - not that this would have discouraged Hailey from being Jay's partner.

Everything was still new in their partnership and the fact that they were both stubborn and closed didn't help anyone. But they tolerated each other - and this seemed to be appreciated by Voight.

She had vowed to be there for him at Price's press conference, just to make sure he could see a friendly face - just to have his back even out of the field.

She had played all her cards in court just to finish first, she had driven as fast as possible, but there was nothing to be done. She had arrived late and she couldn't find Jay anywhere near.

She saw him slowly walk away, alone, and before she could really think, she was trotting towards him.

"Hey. Is it over?" She apologized for her delay and couldn't help but notice the slight amazed look that flashed across his face upon seeing her.

"Yeah" He nodded, "Just ended."

"How did it go?"

"Good. Really good, actually." He shook his head wearily.

It's not easy to shoot an innocent child during an operation, she knew that perfectly well. And she knew just as well that Jay took too much blame for things beyond his control - she had figured it out after just a few weeks of collaborating with him.

She had never wanted to talk about her past, she always hated it so much she preferred to keep quiet to try to forget, but something - in his eyes - makes it almost easy for her to slip out those words that, for years, she hasn't said.

It was true, the situation was different, but killing someone - someone innocent - always dug something deep in the soul.

"Have you already gone to see her mother?"

"No" He breathed slowly, his green eyes looking everywhere but her, "I don't think I'm ready."

"Oh, man." Hailey moaned with a slight smile on her lips, "You're never gonna be ready. You just have to do it."

For the first time, something in his eyes told her they would go well together, sooner or later - they just had to smooth their edges.

Jay looked at her for a few seconds and again let out a shaky breath. And she did something that, in all honesty, she hadn't really expected.

She reached out, letting her hand sliding along his forearm. He seemed so lost and she just wanted to comfort him.

But they weren't ready for that yet, Jay made it awfully clear when his eyes darted on her hand and she pulled it back immediately.

They weren't ready for that yet and she wondered if they really would ever be.

**II - His birthday**

Almost a year after their collaboration began, Hailey jumped into Intelligence that morning not expecting Jay's mooning face as he angrily tapped the computer.

"Hey partner, good morning. Today a devastating wind blows." Hailey mumbled some light talk as she perched on her chair.

She wasn't so surprised by Jay's prolonged silence, but what confused her was his total lack of recognition for her.

"Jay?" She waved a hand in front of his face.

And finally he looked up at her recognizing her presence. He blinked a few times and finally managed to focus on her.

"Oh, hey. Did you say something?"

"You good?" Hailey asked, frowning at him.

"Yeah." He brushed her off with a wave of his shoulder, "I only slept a little, but uh - not really new."

Hailey pretended to accept his answer but, seriously, she didn't believe him for a second.

She watched him all day, curious and worried at the same time. She checked he didn't have flu symptoms or that the cause of his prolonged silence was a severe headache - in that case, well, she had a stash of Advil in her desk drawer.

Jay was always silent, but that day it was just…too much. Hailey knew her thought might not make sense, but she also knew she was starting to know Jay better than others and when her instincts told her he was hiding something, she was particularly sure she was right.

It wasn't until several hours later, when she was about to go home, that everything became clear to her.

Only Jay and Kim were left in the bullpen, both of whom were packing their things, when Kim jumped up in her chair and lunged at Jay. Hailey, hid in the shadow of the locker room door with the bag planted in her back, watched him stiffen from the contact, before relaxing and returning her hug.

"Oh my God! Happy birthday, Jay!" Kim pulled him to his feet just to hug him again, "I almost forgot!"

Jay chuckled in her embrace before walking away, "Thanks, Kim. But it wouldn't have been a problem!"

"Of course not." She snorted indignantly before continuing, "Let's have a drink tonight, okay? To celebrate! I'll tell the others!"

Jay gasped for a few seconds - a gesture that, Hailey was sure, only she had noticed.

"Tonight - I'm with Will... Raincheck?"

"Absolutely tomorrow." She waved a hand with a big smile on her face before wishing him good night.

Within a year, Hailey had learned to give Kim a chance to celebrate something and she would be the happiest person on the face of the earth.

Hailey saw Jay staring at where Kim had disappeared before shaking his head and sitting down at his desk.

He didn't want to celebrate his birthday - this thought suddenly flashed through her mind, connecting the dots.

That morning she had had to go to Med to question a witness who was under Will's care and she had overheard him talking to Natalie and deciding to go out to dinner together.

Jay had been silent all day and made no mention of his own birthday.

She settled up again, wondering why she didn't know about his birthday, then realizing that the previous year she had joined the Intelligence in those same days. And this thought managed to calm the remorse she felt for not knowing about her partner's birthday.

She made a drastic and, honestly, unexpected decision after coming home and taking a shower. She quickly put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie before going to Jay's place, mentally crossing her fingers in hopes of doing a good thing.

"Oh, hey." Jay gaped at her for a second before throwing open the door to let her in, "What do I owe this visit to?"

"Eh, you know." Hailey took off her shoes and ordered them by the front door. She'd only been to his place a couple of times, but she'd quickly learned how he cared about those little details, "Two partners sharing an evening of little talk."

He weighed her silently, unconvinced, "Do you want a beer?"

"No thanks. Can I use your kitchen?"

"What…" But before he could continue, Hailey waved a convenience store bag under his nose with a bright smile on her lips.

He shook his head, still confused, "Whatever… Make yourself home. Do you need something?"

"Nope. You can wait for me in the living room." She smiled at him one last time, before closing the kitchen door behind her back.

Okay, she expected him to fight her. But it was evident that something on that day bothered him so much that it didn't even give him the strength to rebel.

She was alone in his kitchen for ten minutes and when the steaming drink finally warmed two mugs, she returned to the living room.

Jay was sitting stiffly on the sofa in the dim light and Hailey took a deep breath before handing him the hot cup.

"Hot chocolate?"

"And marshmallows." She nodded proudly.

"In April?"

"Eh, family tradition." She said sitting down next to him, a reasonable distance between them. Hailey hated how her voice just quivered at the mention of her family, but still...

Jay studied her for a few seconds in silence, the game continuing to play on TV.

"Do you want to explain something more?"

Hailey took a deep breath and then set the cup down on the coffee table in front of them.

"When I was…when I was kid, my mom had this tradition that uh - regardless of the time of year, we would have a cup of hot chocolate and marshmallows for our birthday."

"Did Kim tell you?" He simply sighed.

"I heard you talking in the bullpen before going home." She admitted, "I didn't know it was today and…I just wanted to do something nice. Happy birthday, Jay."

She gave him a shy smile and when she saw him squint as he took a first sip of hot chocolate, she let out a breath she didn't think she was holding.

"It's not like I hate this day." He began after placing the now empty cup on the table, "It's just…the last birthdays haven't been great, that's it. But you don't have to be sorry if you didn't know it was today."

"Last year I hadn't arrived yet. Now I know, though." Hailey smiled again and had to hold back the need to hug him.

"You arrived on April 7 - the last day I partnered with Erin, the same day I met you." He corrected her, then continued, "It was my birthday."

Hailey knew there was a lot more to the hatred for his birthday, but she also knew that she would have to make do with that for tonight. Jay had opened up to her and, well, it wasn't something that obvious.

Before his distant gaze, Hailey could no longer contain herself. She moved slowly onto the sofa, stretching her arms around him.

His body was warm against her and poking her nose into the crease of his neck she realized how he smelled. By now she knew it by heart, but at that moment he was just so…so much - he surrounded her everywhere and she found herself hoping she could fell his smell back home too. There was something about his smell which reminded her of the smell of wood and moss - something that carried her into the middle of a forest. Silence and calm - something she always found in him.

She remained still for a few seconds, trying not to be intimidated by the way his body immediately stiffened. But when she felt his hands tighten on her back, she sighed slowly.

"Happy birthday, Jay."

**III - To make sure he was okay**

"Stay down!"

Hailey didn't even have time to understand what Jay had just screamed because what she knew next was falling on the ground. Her shoulder slammed into the floor of the van and if it weren't for Jay's weight holding her steady, she would have rolled onto her back to massage her sore shoulder.

It took her a few seconds to realize the deafening noise around them, the floor vibrating under the shots and Hailey could see pieces of the van flying overhead. She felt like the time had slowed down, dust was settling over them, and she could clearly hear each shot flying overhead.

It took little - so little - for a bullet to hit them. She could have raised her head slightly and poof, her life would be over. It was such absurd thoughts to have at that precise moment, but she felt like her head was somewhere else, as if she were witnessing the scene from afar.

She really focused on what was happening only when something crashed into her back and suddenly Jay's hand was on the back of her neck pushing her face against his chest.

And the world started running again.

The sound of gunfire rang against her ears but all Hailey could focus on was Jay being everywhere around her.

She passed an arm around his body while her other hand tied his jacket, pulling him closer to her.

His hand always remained firm against the back of her neck, not giving her the slightest chance to move - not that, honestly, she wanted to - while his other arm slid down her side up behind her back.

Well sooner than she thought, the shooting stopped but Hailey didn't move. There was something about Jay's solid calm that she really couldn't explain. She could feel her heart beating furiously in her chest and she could swear he could feel it too.

They had never been this close, never touched this much, but she realized she wasn't really going to move.

"Jay? Hailey? You good?" Voight's voice boomed in the van and her body responded by clenching her fist tighter against his jacket.

"All good, Sarge." Jay's voice was calm, quiet. So different from the feeling she felt raging inside him.

But Hailey wasn't completely surprised to hear him calm — Jay was a soldier and part of him would be one forever. And, just like her, being so rational, he needed to know that things were under his control. And maybe, staying calm in that situation was the way to keep things under control.

They listened to Voight tell them to stay in there and only then did Hailey open her eyes. From the position of her face against his chest, she could see blades of light entering through the bullet holes as the dust settled on the surfaces creating a gray cloak.

"Jay."

She didn't even realize she had spoken. But he heard her - like every time - and he immediately pulled away from her. The loss of warmth from his arms made her regret having spoken.

"Are you hurt? Are you okay? Hailey, are you okay?"

His hands slid over her arms and her neck as his green eyes studied every part of her body they could reach. There was a hint of panic in his voice that a few moments before wasn't there.

She nodded slowly as gunshots continued to ring in her ears. She risked her life every day, but that moment had been so real - she could have died in that moment or, worse, he could have died in her arms.

"Jay."

She wasn't sure she could say anything more. She couldn't think of anything but his warm arms around her.

She clenched her fist harder in his jacket pulling him back against her. His breath broke against her face before she lowered her head hiding the panic in her eyes.

They had never touched so much. Both of them rather cold in terms of physical contact. Right now, though, she just wanted to silence the sound of gunshots in her brain. She just wanted to stop thinking and enjoy the feeling of Jay still being alive.

Hailey pinned her head against his neck and breathed shakily. Jay slipped his arm behind her back and his hand pulled her deeper into him.

"I got you. We're fine."

Jay stroked the back of her neck slowly and she let out another shaking breath.

She was fine. And Jay was fine.

**IV - To reassure him she was fine**

"Oh, my favorite girl is back!"

Kevin was the first to see her step in Intelligence and, just as Hailey expected, he pulled her into a tight hug.

Never before did she thank heaven for giving her that family. Surrounded by the smiles of her friends and co-workers, she finally realized that no meat-eating bacteria was eating her body at the time.

"So nice to see you." Adam left a quick kiss in her forehead before returning to the board as Kim pulled her into a hug that seriously endangered her ribs.

She nodded at Jay who was smiling closely at her. He wasn't surprised to see her there, Hailey had texted him before leaving Med hoping to calm the guilt that she knew was crushing him.

"Upton, glad to see you're okay. Now, get to work." Voight nods to her before starting to talk to Jay again.

She had to hold back a laugh at her Sargent's gruff tone, but she couldn't hide her smile as it slid across her lips.

She was listening to Kevin bring her up with the latest news about the spread of the bacterium, when she saw Jay silently wave to her to be followed. After nearly three years of partnership, Hailey didn't really need to ask him what he meant. She could read him so well that, seriously, she was scared sometimes.

She followed him into the locker room, the sound of the closed door behind her echoing in the silent space as Jay leaned his back against some lockers.

They were silent for a few seconds, by now Hailey knew well to give Jay time to say whatever was going on in his mind.

"I…I'm sorry." His tone was firm, calm.

But when he turned to her, the look in his eyes nearly made her collapse. He was scared and vulnerable. And it was the version of Jay that only she could see.

"For...?"

"I had sent you there. No backup, you were alone. And I would have been responsible if…"

"No." She cut him off violently, "You can't think that. You were in charge, you gave an order. But you can't…you can't feel guilty about it. It's our job."

Hailey stood against the door as Jay breathed slowly. He absorbed her words slowly and she could see the moment as they made their way into him.

Jay nodded slowly, "Yeah, no. You are right. But…"

He stifled the last words and again the panic in his eyes made her tremble.

"Hailey."

He sucked in her name in a sob before taking a step towards her.

In that same instant, it was clear to her what he needed - what he needed from the moment she stepped into Intelligence.

She crashed into him as hard as he wrapped his arms around her back.

He smothered her name two more times with his hands stuck in her hair.

It was strange to be there, so tight she could feel his chest rise and fall under her cheek. Jay was so…reluctant to touch her physically and it was the first time ever he'd felt the need to hug her. But for her it wasn't the first time, she knew very well what was going on in his mind and she knew just as well that the only thing that would calm him down was to feel physically that she was fine.

"I'm fine, Jay. Just solve this case and leave it behind. We're fine."

She ran her hands down his back feeling him sigh slowly through her hair.

It was Jay and she really wasn't amazed at this vulnerable side of his. She was just so happy that he - always cold and collected - showed up like this in front of her.

He leaned over her, hiding his face against her neck, under the cascade of hair that kept turning in his hand. His other arm was clutched to her back, pushing her deeper against him.

"All right. Let's do it." He breathed softly once again.

And when he stepped away from her, he was back to being the focused Detective he always was.

He squeezed her shoulder softly and, not for the first time, Hailey felt her heart beating a little faster.

**V - They both need comfort**

The corridors were empty and silent. Hailey had wandered around the hospital for a good half hour before returning to Kevin and Vanessa, the only ones of the whole unit still present. Adam was with Kim and Kim was… Hailey honestly didn't know. Jay, on the other hand, had disappeared behind another door to question the same girl that Kim was for...she could not even finish the thought.

She squeezed Kevin's arm noticing his frightened look but, in all honesty, she was just looking for that human warmth that could warm her soul. Her heart was beating slowly, but her mind was traveling at miles per second. Adam had gone out almost an hour earlier to tell them what had happened and assure them they could go home, but from that moment none of them seemed to have been able to move.

Hailey knew well the meaning of what Adam had said but, after all, she had imagined it from the first moment. She had seen Kim's blood, she had heard her desperate cry as Adam carried her away. She didn't really need to imagine what she was feeling at that moment.

She just wanted…she just wanted Jay. The solid calm that always seemed to envelop him in any situation.

The silence seemed to be so deafening and she wanted to plug her ears hoping to silence Kim's crying that kept echoing in her mind.

"Hey."

Jay leaned against the wall in front of them waiting for someone to tell him what was going on.

Hailey breathed looking for words that she couldn't find when Kevin moved beside her giving a slight nod to Jay.

And from the way his normally pale skin lost what little color he had, she guessed that he too understood.

He sat down opposite them, resting his elbows on his knees. The silence that fell between them was heavy and she felt like she was suffocating.

"Let's go, c'mon." Jay grabbed her shoulder and pulled her gently to her feet, "I'll take you home."

Hailey caught up with him, a gesture she was so used to do that she didn't even have to think about it, while her mind couldn't stop thinking and remembering and hearing Kim cry.

They had just gotten out Med when Jay's hand slipped into hers in a really simple and…normal gesture. His fingers intertwined with hers seemed to break something inside her because, in the February rain and under the light of a street lamp, Hailey stopped in her footsteps letting the crying she had held back for hours finally overwhelm her.

Jay paused a few paces in front of her, their hands still clasped and outstretched between them.

"Hailey…"

"She won't get over it. Jay, she'll never get over this…" She breathed shakily as a tear ran down her cheek.

Honestly, she wasn't so sure it was a tear or a drop of rain. She just knew that something inside her was screaming and crying and she didn't really know what to do.

"Hey, no. She'll make it, I'm sure she'll make it. It's Kim we're talking about, she's a tough one."

"But how…" She ran her free hand through her wet hair.

"She has all of us. She has Adam. She'll need Adam."

Hailey lifted her head letting the rain wash her face and breathing deeply.

"It's my fault. I was there and…I didn't help her. "

"No, stop it. Hailey." Jay pulled her hand until her eyes met his, then continued, "It's our job. Kim knew, she told you to do what you did. Don't do this to yourself, it's not on you."

She knew he was right, she believed him so deeply that she didn't even feel the need to contradict him. She nodded slowly, as if every movement cost her a titanic effort.

She closed her eyes in the rain and when she thought she was ready to get to his truck, Jay surprised her by approaching her and letting an arm slip around her back, his other hand still clutched in hers.

"Nobody will judge you if you want to cry. It's just me here and I also saw you in your pajamas, so…"

"You, smart ass." She weakly chuckled and inspiring hard.

Her face was pressed against his wet jacket and his fingers still intertwined with hers gave her that feeling of solid calm that she loved in Jay. She had known him for years and, still, she wondered at his ability to calm her down.

It was so…Jay. Strong, loyal, solid Jay. And he was all around her in that strange wet embrace and it was so perfect.

**One time Hailey kisses Jay**

"Hey!" Jay caught her in the dark in the district garage.

"Oh hey."

"You good?"

"Good. I'm the proud owner of a new scar." Hailey shrugged indifferently. She was sore and tired, and was eager to go home and sleep for the next twelve hours.

"Eh, I can see it." Jay reached out and stopped just before touching the patch on her neck.

"You good?" Hailey noticed Jay's stiff demeanor. He was sitting on a trunk in the corner of the garage with his elbows resting on his knees.

"Just an headache, but fine. I didn't need to go to the hospital at least." He replied casually.

"Do you want to get something? I have Advil in my desk, you know."

"Hailey." He shook his head, staring at her, "It's...I don't like seeing you hurt."

Hailey frowns, gasping slightly, "It's…our job."

"I don't like it anyway." He shrugged again, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.

Hailey moved uncomfortably for a few seconds, then suddenly it was all incredibly clear to her.

So many things had happened that year that she almost stopped thinking about it - the two of them, together. She had been sent to New York, she had returned and had been offered a permanent job to FBI. And she had refused it.

Through it all, Jay had remained with her constant - and not for a second did Hailey feel abandoned.

Seeing him now - his face creased with weariness and his eyes begging for reassurance that she was fine - made it all incredibly clear.

She could still hear the explosion of the bomb in her ears. And then she had seen Kim's body, passed out a few feet from her. Before the explosion, she was in front of Hailey so she took the blast wave more violently than her. And the next moment, Hailey remembers seeing Jay running towards them, yelling something on the radio but she really couldn't hear anything - it was all muffled and confused. She just wanted Kim to be okay, Jay to be okay - but she was too tired to make sure of it.

And then, when she was alone in the hospital, as Will stitched up the cut on her forehead, for the first time in a long time, she realized that she could no longer put off living her own life. In their line of work, there were no certainties, but she finally realized she was no longer willing to put aside what could be her happiness.

For the first time in a long time, Hailey was no longer afraid of what might happen.

"Jay." She called him back and his eyes fixed on her, "We almost died today."

"Pretty accurate description, yeah."

She pretended not to hear him, "And you know I love our partnership."

"I know."

"And you know I didn't take the job FBI offered to me because New York isn't…it's not what I want."

He stared at her silently for a few seconds, then nodded slowly.

"Chicago is my home. Intelligence is my home." She took a deep breath before continuing, "You…you are home, to me."

Jay smiled slowly, warm and kind, and she really wasn't afraid anymore.

"I'm happy to hear it. You're home, to me, Hails."

"Yeah, no. What I'm saying is…"

"I know what you're saying." Jay reached out and took her hand, "I'm saying that too."

"Oh." It took her a few seconds to realize his words, "Oh, yeah, good."

"Honestly though…" He began pulling her lightly towards him, "Are we talking about the same thing? Because I could be…"

And this time it was her who interrupted him. Her lips touched his. A light kiss that ended so quickly it didn't even give her time to taste him. It was the first time she'd kissed him, but it wasn't the first time she'd imagined doing it.

"Yup." Jay sighed softly, "We're definitely talking about the same thing."

Hailey breathed a light laugh.

She wanted to be upset, she had just kissed Jay, her partner, her best friend. But the reality was that she wasn't upset at all, because she had actually kissed Jay and it was so natural it made her head spin.

"Hey, I can hear you thinking." Jay patted her shoulder softly.

"Eh."

"Eh." He mocked her, then became serious again and stroked her cheek, "You are my home, Hailey. You have been for a long time. I was just…I guess I was afraid of ruining everything."

"So are we really doing this?"

"You're the only one I'd like to do this with."

Hailey leaned on his touch. Despite the freezing temperature, his hand was warm — Jay always had warm hands, she'd noticed it a long time ago.

"I'm about to kiss you, Hails."

Hailey chuckled at the absurdity of his words. She found herself nodding excitedly when his lips finally crashed into hers. - **Oh, and one time Jay kisses Hailey**.

Like everything about Jay, his kiss was also soft and warm. When Hailey tied her hands into the short hair at the back of his neck, Jay sighed into her mouth. And she swore she would do anything to hear it again, for her entire life.


End file.
